Day 50: Puberty
For the past few months i’ve been managing technology behind the scenes for Ohemmaku’s rites of passage program organized by the Circle of Light Society. From a quiet place behind the scenes, where i advance powerpoint slides, move people into breakout rooms and keep time, i have the honor of hearing the questions the women are invited to reflect upon and writing my own responses in a notebook i keep right beside me.
Today’s conversation on puberty provided yet another reminder of the importance of processes such as these, whereby wise women support their younger daughters and sisters in their movement through the various phases of life. Unfortunately, many Black women born and raised in the United States have long been removed from cultural practices that provide such necessary and life affirming experiences. And instead we often grow up harshly judged, shamed and made to feel back and embarrassed about our changing bodies, feelings and emotions. Many young girls moving through puberty are taken advantage of, abused or molested, often by family members or friends. And there are so many twisted ideas about sex, pleasure and even self-pleasure, that healthy open dialogue for lots of women doesn’t happen. Puberty.
I recall that when i went through puberty, i didn’t know much about periods and was made to feel as though the changes in my body were my fault. That somehow at 12, with growing breasts and a period, i suddenly became fast, while simultaneously being responsible for the behaviors of grown men. There was a box i was suddenly expected to live in that was small and confining. And if the sexual abuse that i had experienced as a younger girl wasn’t enough to limit my movement, transitioning into puberty most certainly did. There was no one to ask questions about what was happening physically, emotionally, sexually and in other ways, as even questions were dealt with suspicion. Ugggh. Why do we do this to young girls.
As i aged and had my own daughter, i understand that so much of what my mom did and didn’t do reflected fear. I felt it as i watched my own daughter’s body change. Fear that some trifling old man would take advantage of her. Fear that outside of my reach, i couldn’t protect her. Fear of this and that. And the shame i held around my own body and processes (period, changing body, etc.) came up as i attempted parenting her through those transformative years. There is so much i would do different if given another chance.
For one i would be far more open and non-judgmental. I would listen and be present more and talk less. I would share my experiences where relevant, but for the sake of sharing and not to try to guide her into a particular action or thought. I would celebrate her as she moved through changes, give her a period party and invite my friends, her Aunties, to celebrate her too. I would help her to understand as best as i could that this moment in her life, a little chemical in the body that we call hormones creates a lot of new feelings, sensations and desires in the body. And that she is the captain of her ship and no one has the right to take that control from her. There are so many more things. Above all, i would tell her more that i love her.
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