Entry 2. May 2021.
For nearly ten years my body has been undergoing a massive transition. Epochal in its impact. Dramatic in its expression. Befuddled have been my attempts to understand and make sense of it all.
It began with longer, heavier periods and worsening cramps that in time became accompanied by headaches. Then sleeplessness, recurring moments of internal heat generation, brain fog. For the past ten years, each and everyday has involved attending to one or more of this growing list of symptoms.
Though the longer, painful periods and accompanying headaches that happened rather suddenly should have triggered an investigation, i didn't begin looking into what was going on inside of me until my first experience with brain fog two years ago.
I guess somehow i accepted being and living in pain. It is what we do as Black women, women of color, women, right? Suffer silently in pain, right? I was also hesitant about talking with a doctor because of concerns about the whole profession and industry. For example in the moments i actually had insurance, the search for a doctor accepting patients was a challenge. Add to that a Black woman doctor or a woman doctor older than me and the search became harder. And then add to that a doctor that wasn’t constantly rushing from person to person, making me feel like a part in an assembly line…well i just stopped going. Too frustrating and cumbersome. So working through pain and with half-functioning ibuprofen became the ways to cope.
Even the sleeplessness i reluctantly accepted. And in time filled the additional hours with work, catching up on the news or other things i was unable to fit in the day. Not the healthiest practices, but because of some of the things going on in my life during those early years of this transition, they got me through.
Of all these symptoms, i must say that the brain fog shook me. For the first time in my life i felt as though i was literally losing my mind. So many fears arose when mid-sentence i forgot what i was talking about. I laughed it off in the moment, but immediately began searching for answers. In books. Because i didn’t want or know how to talk about it with others. What if i really was losing my mind?!
Fortunately i began to slowly discover resources that helped me to understand that all of these symptoms were connected with one another. All are expressions of a process that may take about fifteen years in total before running its course. I began asking questions of my mom and aunts to learn their stories, what they experienced, for how long and how they dealt with the changes. For two of them, it was so long ago they don't remember and one had no symptoms. I wish i knew to ask when they were younger.
I told my daughter a few weeks ago that i want to talk with her and her crew about this pivotal period of transition. My hope is that she and they are able to make sense of what is going on inside of them at all stages of their lives, do something about it as best as they can, receive help when needed and feel supported along the way.
For me, i want to continue talking about my experience of perimenopause to demystify it. And in doing so, remind myself and others that we are not alone. We can get through this. We don’t have to suffer or be isolated in this.